Tweeze

This weekend experiments were performed on a little dreamer boy, James Henry Trotter. Apparently this pathetic little boy's parents died in an unfortunate rhinoceros accident. How tragic (for I'm sure we could've used their brains as well). His little mind was full of thoughts about centipedes and ladybugs and glow worms and silkworms and earthworms and spiders and grasshoppers all living in a giant peach. Not to be confused with Vermicious Knids, Whangdoodles, Snozzwangers or even Hornswogglers. We thought them to possibly be visions of other extraterrestrial kinds but that proved not to be so. Turns out this little tardboy actually did go for a ride in a giant peach. They just forgot to suck his brain out. We're going to have him read the book, "The Giver", to see how it effects the half of his brain he has left. We'll expend the results in the coming weeks/days/months... whenever we darn well feel like it.
And o boy did we get hammered of this kids brain matter. This was some really good stuff. It was like grain alcohol but with a nice mooshy peach texture and fruitious flovaroid.
UPDATE: It appears that old fish face Admiral Ackbar of the planet Mon Calamari crash landed here on your earth so we decided we're gonna suck out his catfish brain. We're not anticipating too much but it should be pretty fun. That crazy mistatical excuse for a fish alien has been pestering us for years. Its payback time b!

Happy hunting!

Easy In His Youth

Today, we did some experiments on Bob Loblaw. We'll call him, well, "Bob". We picked Bob because he seemed so drawn to our studies. For some reason he really enjoyed having his brain disseminated and his body thoroughly probed. It's just unfortunate there aren't more of you out there like Bob. This would make things a lot simpler. But no. Because of your futile resistance we have to employ idiosynchromatical beings like Grimlock of Cybertron, Wreck-Gar (ba-weep-gragna-weep-nini-bong) of Planet Junk and that horse's rear of an android, Data. We thought we could use Data in our brain teleportation, what, with his experience aboard the Enterprise and all. Turns out, he's a freaking idiot. Anyhow, we'll have further input about Bob in the coming weeks as we come closer to the end of your pathetic civilization (Can't wait!). We'll use histograms and funnel charts to record Bob's wonderful time at our mobile subterranean fortress, the Technodrome. You wish you could be so lucky.

Happy hunting.

Monumental Success

In an effort to bring you the most thrilling, most entertaining entertainment, we have come up with a way to melt your brain in a most satisfactory way. The new and improved Brain Matter Reducer 5000 uses a teleportation technique to remove any otherwise unnecessary brain function. From a place far away from your planet, our advanced team of 'alien' brainsuckers with over 3,000 years of brainsucking experience can use their own brains (or mechaminds as they refer to them) to microteleportalically suck the life right out of your brain. This is a harmless procedure especially because of the fact that it takes only 95% of your brain (most humanoids only use about 2% of their brain anyway; not too shabby since we're leaving a whole 5%). Besides, you really have no choice in the matter; we've taken over your planet. Also, by doing this, we here at Your Brain Matters (i know, it's kind of a play on words) can feel free to explore these spaces, making way for our mechanical impedance (no, not impotence) making the world a much happier place (for us). In these hard economic times, a less-expensive, more efficient way of 'stealing your thoughts' seems most appriopriate. We are glad to accomodate as best we can.

Your Brain Matters
PO BOX 1138
LV-426, Zeta Reticuli NCC-1701
mailto:benegesserit@metaluna.net

Happy hunting.